TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
#FunnyLife Insects
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school