thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The Sun
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Pringles
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?