*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
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#Caturday
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Just why bro?!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic