I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
#CatsOnTwitter
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.