Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Going to church you guys need anything
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.