Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
stop
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.