i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”