when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You Might Also Like
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
A roof is a house hat.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.