Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
August 8
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.