I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Blew out my flip flop…
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.