I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
yeah no that’s fair
What if all the cashiers are married?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
nobody’s gonna understand
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”