LMAO.
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
OMG 🤣🤣
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.