a badder mouse
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
time for some seasonal decor
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Close call…
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.