I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
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Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
the world’s most popular steaming services
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.