The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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This meal prepping shit easy
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I just tested negative for patience.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it