Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
asking santa clause for nudes
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.