Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day