5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
socratic questions
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before