[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
#titanic