[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra