employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
All is fair in drunk and war.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving