“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.