If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?