The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
That’s fair
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey