Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
You Might Also Like
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.