Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Perfect.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Encore…
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.