people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”