Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid