Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Good point.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”