Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.