Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
President The Rock Obama
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know