Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.