Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?