Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
when you don’t want to be too vague
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
*Seductively hides in the woods
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
They are only bad decisions if you get caught