Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.