[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
You Might Also Like
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers