me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
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To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
some cats are just doing for fun!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
#parenting
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …