*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
you’re so productive for your wage
Feels
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”