In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.