[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.