Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.