ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
HERE’S MARKY
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
When I snag the last meatball.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.