Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.