Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Florida man
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My sex drive has a dui
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.