What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Stop it! 😂
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.