I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
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A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Breaking news:
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you