Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
You Might Also Like
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.