Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.