I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Its a hippotatomus