If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
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When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
When your man makes a valid point
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.